As I was reflecting on Mother’s Day and the joys of being a mom. I was Remembering the first time I held my babies, remembering every kiss, every song. Thinking about how much they’ve grown and all that we’ve been through this past year. This Mother’s Day, I hold 2 babies on earth and 2 in my heart that I know I’ll see again in Heaven. I am constantly reminded of my savior and how He was there with me through all the suffering and through the triumphs. I know God was showing me the joy through it all. Last summer, Shadrach had 2 breath holding spells which were very similar to seizures. They came out of nowhere. We didn’t know at the time if he would make it through. During the first seizure, I thought we were losing him. It didn’t feel real and at the same time it was so real and terrifying that all I could do was cry to God to save him. After the episode we had so many thoughts running through our mind. What would his life look like now, will he keep having seizures, will he be ok, and all we could do was get down on our knees and pray. We prayed for it all. To heal him, to carry us through our suffering, to help us grasp each moment, to help us figure out the next steps, to fully trust in God, to help us with the unknown. And thankfully God did! We are beyond blessed that the Lord brought us through. Shadrach has been fine ever since. But we continually pray each day. We soak every moment because you just never know. God’s word tells us to not be anxious about tomorrow because worrying won’t add another day to our life and so we put our full trust in him. Knowing that everything happens for the good of His kingdom and that He loves us and He cares.
A few months after that happened, Shawn and I wanted to expand our family. We were pregnant with our third but suffered a miscarriage in September. Our baby was with us for six weeks. Because of the nature of the job and living in Kazakhstan, only so much could be done here in Atyrau. I was taken care to the best of the doctors ability but we had to travel to London so that I could have a D&C to remove the remaining products that didn’t pass. It was very difficult for me, to be on a plane, going to a beautiful city that I love, only to know that it was to finally let go of my baby. I now understand and pray for every person on airplanes because you never know the reason they are traveling. You couldn’t tell from the outside by looking at me, but inside a piece of me was dying. Our hearts were broken but I was constantly reminded of how good the Father is. He loves me and He cares. A short while after that, we were pregnant again. This time nothing seemed to line up. The dates were off, I had certain symptoms but not strongly. I knew I was pregnant but we decided to wait until 8 weeks to have any test. I was able to go to my OB in the US and the pregnancy test came back positive, but an embryo couldn’t be seen yet. This meant I wasn’t the 8 weeks I thought, but only 4. So we waited. We had tests every week after that, and while the yolk sac grew slightly, no embryo could be seen. After 3 weeks of testing it was confirmed that this wasn’t a viable pregnancy. Essentially our baby didn’t develop right and my body would eventually release it. This was a much different pain and heartache than the first. All the while, we were down on our knees praying. I would have to travel to London again to have the procedure. My loving mother was able to join me. We were able to have some fun but ultimately I was there to have an appointment and set a time to move forward with the procedure . I didn’t want to decide a time and date when to do it. I felt that wasn’t what God intended. My thoughts were, my body will handle this, it knows what to do. So I was hesitant about the appointment. But my doctor in London was so supportive. She wasn’t convinced that the pregnancy wasn’t viable. She wanted to wait another 2 weeks before moving forward because then we would know for sure if the baby wasn’t growing due to the measurements you should be at a certain week. Praise God! A small miracle. It was decided that the family would join me. We were able to celebrate my 33rd birthday in London with beautiful flowers and fulfilling meals. It was a glorious day. The next day, my body did what it was supposed to. Our 4th baby, went to be with the Lord. I had so much peace and joy. I knew this world wasn’t meant for my baby. I knew God was there taking care of both of us.
I don’t know what the future holds but what keeps me going is “God is enough”. My mind knows this, I believe my heart knows this although, I have to admit sometimes it’s hard. I love being a mom, I want to be a mom to more children. Having many children was something Shawn and I agreed our life would be like. We were always one of the few couples who would gladly say we wanted at least 4 children. While others thought we were crazy, we shared a smile and joy in our hearts knowing that it would be amazing. However, our life with our 2 beautiful children is perfect. We laugh together, have adventures, adore each and every moment. We pray together as a family, we enjoy our kids and all that they do. Of course I would love more children, and am ready for however God wants to give them to us. This Mother’s Day, I held my 2 babies on earth and sent my love to my 2 in heaven. God knows my pain, and He loves me and He cares. I know my angel babies are well taken care of. They are with God, what a better place to be. They will never suffer, there is no pain or sorrow where they are and that comforts me. While my heart and flesh hurt that I will never be able to hold them here on earth, that I will never smell them, or see their sweet faces, I know Gods got them and He has me too in His sweet embrace.
Two lyrics that currently flow through my mind are “But through it all, I remember, that He loves me and He cares and He’ll never put more on me that I can bear.” (Kirk Franklin-More than I can bear)
And “ my brokenness brought me to you, and these wounds are a story you’ll use, I’m thankful for the scars because without them I wouldn’t know your heart, and I know they’ll always tell of who you are, so forever I’m thankful for the scars”(I am they-Scars)
I wrote all this so that my testimony can help someone. I know I wasn’t alone in my suffering. Jesus died on the cross for our suffering but that doesn’t mean he felt the pain only that time. He feels it with us when we are in pain because he lives within us. God is omnipresent, therefore with us all the time. He will never leave me or forsake me or you! (Deuteronomy 31:6)
Please continue to pray for us and if you have any prayer requests, please let us know. We want to be here for anyone that needs it, just as much as we need it. I know many women have gone through this before me and many will after. I know your heartache. I am there with you. You are not alone. This does just sometimes happen. I am praying for you and will pray for you if you are ever in a similar situation.
It is still a joyous Mother’s Day, many things to be grateful for and praying for the ones that are grieving today. He loves you and He cares.
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